I thought that this year I would be better prepared for the holidays, but because I thought that, they just snuck up on me. We had Thanksgiving and I was busy helping out and then all of a sudden, it is almost Christmas.
I had been doing ok until today when all I did was stay in bed and cry. I could easily convince myself to run off and hide in the woods until after the holidays.
I was so sad today. I missed my daughter so badly.
Does this get better? It has been two and a half years. Am I just a wimp? I honestly still have no perspective on how to handle my situation. Sometimes I think I am ok. I think I give the general appearance of being ok... But the truth is I have no answers about anything. I am lost. I want to be strong... I want to be functioning. But I also want to hide from the world.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
Lost
Two years ago in April, my daughter died. Since then, I have been frantically working to save my son from himself even though he does not want to be saved. It is the saddest and most ridiculous thing I have done, except I can't seem to stop.
He has been living off of me all of this time and I am going through every penny of my savings. He is not working and making precious little effort to find a job. There is always an excuse.
It is so frustrating and so sad, but I have no one to blame but myself. I thought I could help him get on his feet, but if he does not want to get on his feet, all the help in the world is a waste of money.
My choices seem so bleak - turn him out on the street - keep supporting him till I drop dead or am living on the street myself. It is a totally ridiculous situation. He is actually a very bright and able person, but he refuses to use his brains for anything but ways to fool me.
He could have been out on his own taking care of himself a long time ago, but he has chosen not to. He has chosen to live off me, even though he says he loves and respects me, he treats me in unloving ways and has no respect for my well being or my wishes.
I really thought he would start to mature and move on. Sarah Beths death was such a blow to me, and I think to him, as much as he could tell through his drunken state.
My life has been a living hell since then.
It has to stop.
I have no desire to support him any longer.
We have a trip planned, which we will do and then that is it. I can not take care of myself and him too. He sucks the life, energy and money out of me.
He has been living off of me all of this time and I am going through every penny of my savings. He is not working and making precious little effort to find a job. There is always an excuse.
It is so frustrating and so sad, but I have no one to blame but myself. I thought I could help him get on his feet, but if he does not want to get on his feet, all the help in the world is a waste of money.
My choices seem so bleak - turn him out on the street - keep supporting him till I drop dead or am living on the street myself. It is a totally ridiculous situation. He is actually a very bright and able person, but he refuses to use his brains for anything but ways to fool me.
He could have been out on his own taking care of himself a long time ago, but he has chosen not to. He has chosen to live off me, even though he says he loves and respects me, he treats me in unloving ways and has no respect for my well being or my wishes.
I really thought he would start to mature and move on. Sarah Beths death was such a blow to me, and I think to him, as much as he could tell through his drunken state.
My life has been a living hell since then.
It has to stop.
I have no desire to support him any longer.
We have a trip planned, which we will do and then that is it. I can not take care of myself and him too. He sucks the life, energy and money out of me.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Some Progress
It has been months since my last post. Some things have changed. My son is home with me now. He is still battling his demons, but is making progress. It is good to be able to lay eyes on him daily and know that in some areas he is "OK", "Fine" - you know all those words we use to say life sucks, but I am here ok?
I have been trying to make some progress on my own grief - over my daughters death, my son's unhappiness and over - this is not the life I thought I would have.
I am working with a life coach, who has been a lifesaver for me. She becomes my personal cheer leader for each small step forward I make. She helps me clarify my thinking, and to look at my thought processes through a different lens.
I never thought much about life coaches until a friend of mine said she was using one, so I tried it and cant say enough good things about the support she has been to me for, gees, almost 2 years now. Wow.
Books have also been recent help to me. When my daughter first passed, several people gave me books - which makes sense, I was a librarian - but at the time, I could barely look at the covers. Recently however, I have begun to read the books and to be able to ponder the help that they offer.
Some things I have learned:
1. Healing does not mean "getting over" or "moving on". It just means being with the pain, the grief and the sorrow and knowing the truth of the situation.
2. Journaling does help, when you are ready for it. I am only now, after 2 years starting to really feel like I am getting anything out of journaling. Now that does not mean to wait two years to try it. I have journaled at different times and it is helpful, it is just now... I feel like I am starting to be able to think again - a little bit - so the journaling is more useful to me.
3. No two people grieve the same way - so don't think that there is stuff you have to do. Taking care of yourself is important though - and to me that means - be true to yourself and your feelings. It is very easy to get wrapped up in what other people tell you you should do - or just what you think you should do. For once in your life - there are no shoulds. This pain is a living hell. Be true to yourself and what you need to get through the next moment, hour or day.
4. Being busy will not make things better. It makes time go by, and in some ways that may dull the initial overcoming, chest crushing, knife stabbing immediate pain, but unfortunately ignoring the emotions in your gut, will not make them go away. Sooner or later your body or mind is going to say "ok, now is the time... we are going to deal with this thing."
5. Sometimes there is anger. I know that sounds silly to some people, but I was convinced I was not angry. And I am not angry at my daughter. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she held on just as long as she could, and it just became too much for her. No, my anger is at the whole world, at my self, at anyone who might have done something to help and didn't - mainly the mental health system, which in my opinion is crazy itself - but - that may be another post. Anger is so frustrating, because there seems to be no way to vent it productively. - Again, something I am continuing to work on.
6. I have learned, that grief stays with you. It changes in shape and form, but it is always there. Other people, no matter how close they are to you, do not understand this - or they just forget. (Nor did I understand in my life before...) Or they just do not know how to deal with it. But it is there - when you are still getting up everyday and doing the things you need to do - it is there. When you laugh and have a good time - it is still there.
I am not sure why I have started a blog. I am not a great writer, but I have had an experience that is not all that unique in this country - but it is not discussed - so this is my attempt to open discussion, but mainly to connect with other people who have had this experience and see if anything I say can be of help, and if they have any help to offer me. I certainly do not have answers - just my thought - and lots and lots of questions.
I have been trying to make some progress on my own grief - over my daughters death, my son's unhappiness and over - this is not the life I thought I would have.
I am working with a life coach, who has been a lifesaver for me. She becomes my personal cheer leader for each small step forward I make. She helps me clarify my thinking, and to look at my thought processes through a different lens.
I never thought much about life coaches until a friend of mine said she was using one, so I tried it and cant say enough good things about the support she has been to me for, gees, almost 2 years now. Wow.
Books have also been recent help to me. When my daughter first passed, several people gave me books - which makes sense, I was a librarian - but at the time, I could barely look at the covers. Recently however, I have begun to read the books and to be able to ponder the help that they offer.
Some things I have learned:
1. Healing does not mean "getting over" or "moving on". It just means being with the pain, the grief and the sorrow and knowing the truth of the situation.
2. Journaling does help, when you are ready for it. I am only now, after 2 years starting to really feel like I am getting anything out of journaling. Now that does not mean to wait two years to try it. I have journaled at different times and it is helpful, it is just now... I feel like I am starting to be able to think again - a little bit - so the journaling is more useful to me.
3. No two people grieve the same way - so don't think that there is stuff you have to do. Taking care of yourself is important though - and to me that means - be true to yourself and your feelings. It is very easy to get wrapped up in what other people tell you you should do - or just what you think you should do. For once in your life - there are no shoulds. This pain is a living hell. Be true to yourself and what you need to get through the next moment, hour or day.
4. Being busy will not make things better. It makes time go by, and in some ways that may dull the initial overcoming, chest crushing, knife stabbing immediate pain, but unfortunately ignoring the emotions in your gut, will not make them go away. Sooner or later your body or mind is going to say "ok, now is the time... we are going to deal with this thing."
5. Sometimes there is anger. I know that sounds silly to some people, but I was convinced I was not angry. And I am not angry at my daughter. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she held on just as long as she could, and it just became too much for her. No, my anger is at the whole world, at my self, at anyone who might have done something to help and didn't - mainly the mental health system, which in my opinion is crazy itself - but - that may be another post. Anger is so frustrating, because there seems to be no way to vent it productively. - Again, something I am continuing to work on.
6. I have learned, that grief stays with you. It changes in shape and form, but it is always there. Other people, no matter how close they are to you, do not understand this - or they just forget. (Nor did I understand in my life before...) Or they just do not know how to deal with it. But it is there - when you are still getting up everyday and doing the things you need to do - it is there. When you laugh and have a good time - it is still there.
I am not sure why I have started a blog. I am not a great writer, but I have had an experience that is not all that unique in this country - but it is not discussed - so this is my attempt to open discussion, but mainly to connect with other people who have had this experience and see if anything I say can be of help, and if they have any help to offer me. I certainly do not have answers - just my thought - and lots and lots of questions.
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